Igor Humowiecki
by alynwa
Summary: Originally written for the Short Affairs Challenge on LJ. Prompt word is "gaunt" and prompt color is purple.


Prompt Word: Gaunt

Prompt Color: Purple

Napoleon and Illya were chained to the wall in a dungeon in Estonia. The CEA was trying desperately to think of a way to not only get them out of this mess, but to make it up to Illya for getting them captured. _How was I to know that the woman standing next to her car looking at her flat tire was a trap? Illya told me to ignore her and keep driving so we could complete our mission, but no! I saw that platinum blonde hair and those_ legs…

Before he could finish that thought, the heavy wooden door creaked open to reveal a tall gaunt figure wearing what appeared to be a purple cape. When the figure stepped closer and into the light, they could see it was a man with sunken cheeks and small, rodent – like eyes. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am Igor Humowiecki. I wanted to thank you personally, Mr. Solo, for having such a raging libido that my associate Miranda was able to successfully get back my microdot. I've contacted the Central Committee and they are sending someone as we speak to collect you. So, if you don't mind hanging around," he laughed at his own joke, "they'll be here in about five hours."

Illya glared at the man. "Is it not a little early for Halloween costumes?" He spat blood after Igor slapped him. "Or perhaps, you are related to Count Zarf?" he asked as if he hadn't been struck. His reward was another slap across the face.

"We'll see how sarcastic you will be when THRUSH Central gets ahold of you," Igor snarled. "I'm going to suggest they rip your tongue out of your head when they finish with you." He turned and stalked out before slamming the door behind him.

When he was certain Igor was out of earshot, Illya said, "Pay him no attention, Napoleon. This is not your fault."

"It _is_ my fault!" Napoleon hissed. "I should have listened to you."

"This is not the time or place. Just listen for anyone coming this way. I have a lock pick in the heel of my shoe." He relaxed his body for a few moments and then, raised his legs until he was bent in half. He grabbed the heel of his left shoe, twisted it off, and fished his pick from it before letting the heel drop. Sweat had popped out on his brow from his effort and he rested for a few minutes after lowering his legs.

He managed quickly to unlock his handcuffs and slipped quietly to the floor. There was no chair or table in the room, so he had no choice but to climb Napoleon to undo his handcuffs. "I am sorry, I know it hurts. I am going as fast as I can," he said in response to his partners muffled groans as his skin was cut into by the metal. As soon as he got them unlocked, he jumped onto the ground.

Napoleon got loose and began rubbing his wrists rapidly in order to minimize the pain. He motioned toward a high window on the opposite wall. "Climb on my back and see what that overlooks."

"It would appear that the window faces the back of the building as the forest is approximately twenty – five feet away. I think I can loosen these bars and remove them. That should allow us to escape, unless of course, you have gained enough weight that you cannot fit."

"Hardyharhar. Just get to work." Napoleon stood without complaint while the Russian used his lock pick, hands and a large piece of masonry he dug out to affect their escape from the dungeon. After what seemed like hours, he could hear the blond twisting the bars out of the way and his weight lifting off his back.

"Give me your hand." Illya yanked him up and out and then the two men raced toward the woods and on to freedom.

Hours later, they had found a small town with a telephone that allowed them to call UNCLE's field office in Helsinki, collect of course, and had managed to lay low for the five hours it took for an extraction team to get to them.

As they bounced around in the truck that had retrieved them, Napoleon looked at his partner and said, "I want you to know that when we report to the Old Man, I am taking all the blame. I'm telling him that I ignored you when you said not to stop."

"You do not have to fall on your sword for me, Napoleon; I am your partner. We will take equal responsibility for the failure of the mission. However, from now on, I do all the driving."

"Deal. I'm ticked, Partner Mine. We're going to cross paths with that Humowiecki clown again and when we do, I am making it my business to avenge our mission."

"I believe you."


End file.
